50 Ways to Annoy Severus Snape
by Lupa Dracolis
Summary: In which Snape gets rick rolled, loses the game, gets sneezed on, gets charmed red and gold, and followed around by a bottle of shampoo. T because I wouldn't feel safe otherwise.
1. Snivellus

**In no particular order, fifty way to annoy:**

**Severus Snape**

1 Call him Snivellus

"Hello, I'm James. What's your name?" Snape looked up at the boy standing in the doorway of his train carriage. He was a first year, like Snape himself, and he had a mop of untidy hair that stood up in all directions.

"My name is Severus." A snort of laughter came from behind James, who stepped aside to reveal another boy, who looked to be the same age as them. He was taller, and had short, slightly ruffled dark hair.

"Sorry for not introducing myself earlier. I'm Sirius." The boy said formally. "Nice to meet you, Snivellus."

"My name is _Severus_." Snape informed him frostily.

"Yeah, well. Mind if we sit here? No? Good." The two sat down opposite Snape. After a while, Sirius glanced over at him, and muttered something to James, who grinned. He then turned to address Snape.

"Want to see some magic, Snivellus?"

"My name is _Severus_, and no. We're not supposed to do magic outside of school. It's forbidden."

"Not on the train, surely? Anyway, it's not as if anyone will care. Here, watch this." He lifted his wand, and flicked it sharply.

"Orchideous!" He announced, and a bunch of orchids sprung from the end of his wand. Admittedly they were a bit pale, and one or two looked slightly see-through, but on the whole, it was rather impressive. Sirius sat back, with a smug smile on his face. "I'd like to see you try something like that, Snivellus."


	2. Greasy hair

2 Comment on his greasy hair

"Hey Snivellus! Why're you sitting inside on such a bright, sunny day?" Snape looked up to answer whichever Marauder was making fun of him, and found he was looking at the one nicknamed Padfoot. What a surprise.

"Wait! Don't tell me! You're afraid the heat of the sun will set fire to your hair right? Seriously, how much grease do you put in there?" Snape's hand involuntarily leapt to his head.

"It's natural." He muttered self-consciously. Such a wonderful genetic gift from his muggle father…

* * *

Sirius was sitting in the kitchen in Grimauld Place, bored out of his skull. Just then, Snape's head appeared in the fireplace.

"Sirius." He acknowledged, mouth curled in distaste.

"Snivellus." The old Marauder answered, a slight spark rekindled in his eyes. "How's Harry getting on?"

"Listen, I am not some go-between for you and your precious god-son. I need to speak with Weasley."

"Which one? You have a delightful selection of Molly, Bill, Charlie… I'm afraid we're all out of Arthur."

"Well he's the one I need to talk to." The way he said it made it seem a personal insult – committed by Sirius – that Arthur Weasley wasn't there.

"Oh, go grease your hair." Sirius muttered, and left the room.


	3. Good times with Padfoot

3 Ask him about the 'good times' he shared with Padfoot

"Ah, Severus. I've been looking for you."

"Yes, headmaster?" Snape came to a halt outside his dungeon, and turned around to face Dumbledore.

"I am compiling a book, of fond memories shared between former students. Would you consider doing me the great favour of writing about your relationships with these students? They were all in the same year as you, I recall."

"Certainly, headmaster." Snape accepted the parchment Dumbledore offered to him, and strode away to his dungeon, robes flapping around his legs.

*****

Snape stared at the list in disbelief. It wasn't all that long, but it consisted of everyone he had shared classes with all through his time at Hogwarts. Including, about halfway down, Sirius Orion Black. Oh, they had some shared memories alright. Memories like 'holding Snivellus upside down by the ankles over the lake, and letting his robes fall down over his head'? Or maybe, 'sneaking into Snivellus' room at night to steal all his clothes, and then replacing them before the head of Slytherin came in'? Or, of course, the best of all – 'telling Snivellus that Lupin was a werewolf, and showing him the passageway to the shrieking shack, so Snivellus nearly got killed'? Such good, happy memories.


	4. Ditto with Moony and Prongs

4 Ditto with Moony and Prongs

Well, with Black out of the way, who, Snape wondered, was next on this infernal list Dumbledore had given him. He glanced down at it, and snarled. Remus Lupin. That bloody werewolf. Of all the Marauders, Lupin was the one that irritated him the most. He looked so…calm, so peaceful, that the teachers never suspected him. Blame always fell on Potter or Black, even when the whole class swore blind it had been Lupin. He would just look up at them incredulously from whatever book he happened to be reading, with a sceptical glint in his eyes, and then quietly lower his gaze to the book. Who could have guessed that once a month, Lupin was the most violent of all the Marauders, the one who caused the most destruction and once, very nearly, the death of one of the other pupils. A Slytherin boy, who had been told _by the werewolf's friend_ where he was hiding. And Lupin could deny it all he wanted, but it was a Marauder Prank. And all of them were in on those. Except maybe for Potter. The way he had stormed down there, and pulled the bleeding boy roughly out from the werewolf's clutches…Snape would never forgive either of them for that. Lupin for nearly killing him, and Potter for thinking he _needed saving_. Pah! Look who became the professor!

_But_, a tiny voice in the back of his head reminded him, _Prongs became an Auror. So did Padfoot. And you never got the position that you wanted. That went to _Lupin_ of all people_. Snape crushed the voice, as he had always done. But then another voice started up. One that sounded annoyingly like a conscience. _That's not why you hate Remus so much though, is it? It's because of his parents. Even though he was bitten by a werewolf, his father still loved him. He never cried himself to sleep at night because of the new black eye either he or his mother had received. _His_ mother wasn't so stupid as to use a love potion on a muggle, was she?_

"Shut up!" He shouted. The other teachers in the staff room looked around surprised. It had been quiet, a quiet that is caused by an absence of Weasley twins. Snape sneered, got up, and swept out of the room.


	5. Give him a tail

5 Give him a bunny tail

"I'm bored." Sirius announced to the other Marauders, as they lounged on the bank of the lake.

"Then find something to occupy yourself." Remus answered idly, turning the page of his book. Then he realised what he had said. "No, Sirius! Wait!" But it was too late. Padfoot had whipped out his wand and muttered "Accio Snivellus". They watched Snape accelerating towards them from across the grounds.

"Just please don't do anything lasting, permanent or (he couldn't resist the joke) _siriusly_ damaging." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Now, I've been thinking." He said conversationally to Snape, who was hanging in the air, cursing, and waving his arms about wildly. "Do you know what I was thinking?" He asked, still addressing the hanging Snape.

"Damn you to Hades and beyond, you filthy blood traitor!" The Slytherin yelled, still trying (futilely) to get down.

"Uh, no, I wasn't thinking that. What I was thinking was that Snivellus should have his very own special animal, just like we all have. Now let me see… I don't think a _large_ one would be appropriate, except maybe an eagle, to fit the nose…or possibly a snake, or better yet, a fish!"

"Sirius…" James asked lazily. "Where are you going with this?"

"Just stretching it as far as I can, Prongs. After all, our prefect boy over here said for me to find a way to entertain myself. Wait- I have it!" Sirius thought for a moment, before exclaiming "Dasypodus caudae!" There was a flash of sparks from his wand, but the rest of the Marauders couldn't see anything new. Sirius rotated Snape in the air to reveal, poking out of his robes, a fluffy rabbit's tail.

**Dasypodus = rabbit in latin**

**Caudae = tail in latin**


	6. Nickname him Slimebomb

**Nick-name him 'Slimebomb'**

"Good morning, Snivellus!" Snape studiously ignored the cheerful, mocking shout from across the Great Hall as he made his way to the Slytherin table. He could hear his Lily defending him as always,

"Potter! Stop calling him that! Severus has a name, you know!" And he smirked slightly. That stupid blood traitor would do anything for Lily, the idiot. She liked _him_, not some stupid Gryffindor.

"Sure thing, Evans." The obnoxious boy replied. For a moment, all that could be heard from the Marauders was a quiet murmuring. Then Severus, who had chosen a seat facing the Gryffindor table, saw that filthy Black get up, and begin to walk over. He was probably coming to annoy his younger brother Regulus – poor boy had to carry the shame of a Gryffindor in the family.

"Regulus." Severus murmured, and nudged the younger boy, who happened to be sitting next to him. He looked up, and scowled when he saw his traitorous brother approaching.

"What do you want, Sirius?" He spat at his elder sibling, who turned to look at him cooly.

"I'm not here for you, little brother. James asked me to pass a message on to your friend." He turned to face Snape. "James, Remus, Peter and I have discussed, and we think it's time to give you a new nickname. Snivellus was getting old, so we've put it to the vote. Congratulations, Slimebomb."

""What? That makes even less sense that the last one! I am not slimy!" Severus Snape yelled at the idiot standing before him.

"Wanna bet? _Accio slime!_"


	7. Howl at him

**Howl at him**

"Hello Professor." Oh fantastic. Snape had thought he'd gotten up early enough to escape the attentions of the moronic Weasley twins, but apparently not.

"You know, we were talking to Sirius the other day," The other one said, as they sat down opposite him. He hated how they did that – took it in turns to speak, like they shared a mind.

_More like share half a mind_. He thought to himself, smirking inwardly.

"Yes, and he told us something rather interesting about your time at Hogwarts."

"It was probably a lie." Snape sneered at them, returning his attention to his breakfast. If he ignored them, maybe they'd go away. As a result of his looking down, however, he didn't see the identical grins break onto their faces. And because he was ignoring them, he didn't hear the whispered

"_One…two…three…_", so their joint howl took him completely by surprise, and he fell off his chair backwards with a loud crash.


	8. Charm a bottle of shampoo to follow him

**Charm a bottle of shampoo to follow him**

That was it. Snape had had enough. How on _earth_ was he meant to study for his OWLs like this? He stormed down the corridor, being gently nudged on the head with a bottle of shampoo.

"Professor Slughorn, sir?" He called to the potions master, who had just appeared out of a classroom in front of him.

"Aah, Severus, my boy. How can I help?"

"It's this…this bottle sir. It won't leave me alone. I've tried to break the charm on it, but nothing I try works. Can you help me please, sir?" Horace Slughorn stifled a chuckle at the sight of the greasy-haired boy, and his floating companion. Slughorn put his hand on the boy's shoulder and said, in a kindly tone of voice,

"Severus, maybe this should be taken as a kind hint from a friend, rather than a prank. I am sure you could put the bottle to good use…" Slughorn trailed off, noticing the scowl on Snape's face. Muttering something like 'it's a genetic condition' the teen strode off. From underneath an invisibility cloak, stifled giggles were heard.


	9. Send him valentine's cards

**Send him valentine's cards**

Valentine's day. Of all the days in the school year, this was one of the most pathetic, the most sickly sweet, the most ridiculous. It wasn't a day for showing affection, it was a way of showing up those who had no-one to receive valentines from. And this year, that would be him. After that unfortunate… slip of the tongue, Severus highly doubted he'd be getting anything from Lily. However, Snape was pleasantly surprised to find not one card but four, piled on the end of his bed when he awoke. He pulled them towards him, and ripped open the first. On the front was a picture of a cutsey little black puppy. Opening the card itself, Snape was sprayed with pink glitter. He shook his head, clearing it from his face. Little did he know that most of it was in his hair, and wouldn't be coming out any time soon. The inside of the card was completely blank, besides from a large black paw print in place of a signature.

Shrugging, Snape put it aside and picked up the next. Instead of a card, it was a badly wrapped bundle. Opening it, Snape found a large sugar mouse. It squeaked up at him, then bit him hard on the finger. Snape flung the offending sweet at the wall, where it broke in two.

The next card was black, with a picture of the full moon on the front. Inside, in a curling, elegant script, was written;

"_To my dearest Severus, I long for the night when we can meet, under the light of the full moon"_

The next envelope was completely empty. Snape was about to throw it away when he noticed letters starting to appear on the inside of the envelope. After reading them, Snape growled, balling up the envelope and storming out. Later, when he was in his lessons, there was a small noise and a houself appeared next to his bed. Gathering up the rubbish he'd left, she smoothed out the envelope to see, written in bold letters,

"**Roses are red, and so are beets**

**You really smell, especially your feets.**

**Love, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs."**


	10. Call him 'beaky'

**Call him 'beaky'**

If there was something Snape loved more than taking points from Gryffindor students, it was putting them in detention. Especially these two. The Weasley twins, Fred and George. They sat before him in the empty potions classroom, writing out 'I must not explode my cauldron on purpose'. Or at least, that's what it seemed like they were doing. Snape lifted his head briefly from his marking to find them whispering together.

"You two!" He snapped, and they turned around to face him. "Stop talking and get on with your lines this instant!" They beamed at him in that disturbing way that they had, and chorused,

"Yes sir, beaky, sir!" Then resumed writing. Snape paused, then shrugged. They wanted him to say something about it, he could tell.

When the time allotted to their detention was finally up, Snape gathered in the papers he had been marking.

"You may leave now." He said coldly.

"Thank you, beaky!" They replied in tandem, and left the room. As they left, Snape growled softly to himself.


	11. Charm his hair orange

**Charm his hair orange**

Great. Monday. Snape _hated_ Mondays. It was on these days that he had a double lesson, first thing in the morning, with Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. In his opinion the two most idiot houses there were. Stupid idiots who throw themselves into danger and stupid idiots who… what _were_ Hufflepuffs, anyway? But this year, his Mondays were even worse. Those two Weasley boys, Fred and George, were in his Monday double.

Snape glanced at his watch, and groaned. He was late, meaning he'd have to miss breakfast. On a Monday. With double Gryffindors. Including Fred and George. There was _no way_ this day could get any worse.

Striding swiftly through the deserted corridors, Snape finally reached his dungeon classroom. He flung open the doors, and strode inside. The many conversations that had been going on hushed as soon as the class noticed Snape standing in the doorway. They all seemed to be staring at his head. Two hands shot into the air. The Weasleys'.

"What is it?" Snape snapped at them.

"We were just wondering, sir," they said in unison, "whether you had your hair that colour for a particular reason." Snape's hand shot to his hair. Summoning some water into his cauldron, Snape peered in. There was no mistaking the bright orange colour of his hair.

"Fred, you know how all the pureblood families are related?"

"George, I do believe you are right."

"Well, surely that means that we are related to our dear teacher, as his beautiful hair now shows us." Snape ground his teeth together in frustration. He _knew_ they had done it. He didn't know how, but they had. And he also knew that he could never prove it.


	12. Rick roll him

**Rick roll him**

Snape glanced up, as the last of the class filed out. To his surprise (although he didn't show it), Fred and George Weasley stayed behind. Snape scowled at them as they approached his desk, in the faint hope that it would make them leave. It did not.

"We just want you to know sir, that we're no strangers to love."

"You know the rules, and so do we."

"A full commitment's what we're thinking of,"

"You wouldn't get this from any other guys."

Both twins started to dance crazily while chanting together,

" "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and destert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you!"


	13. Smile a him

**Smile at him. **_**All the time**_**.**

Snape glanced up at his class, to check that they were all working. He was met with two inane grins from the Weasley twins, Fred and George. Snape ignored them, and returned his focus to the essays he'd been marking. However, he felt an itchy, prickling feeling on the back of his neck; the feeling you have when someone is watching you intently. He looked up again, to see the Weasley twins sill focused on him, smiling broadly. They were also, somehow, preparing the potion he had asked the class to make; chopping the heads off of dung beetles without looking at them, eyes firmly focused on their teacher.

At the end of the lesson, as was usual for Snape, he asked the class to bring up a sample of their potion. The Weasleys were last in line, as was their norm. But this time they did not joke around as they normally did, pretending to either drop or drink their potion. Instead they were looking at Snape, beaming that same smile that, if he was honest, was beginning to creep him out.

The twins' turn came, and he took the potion from the one holding it – whether it was Fred or George, he had no idea – and inspected it, fully aware that they were still smiling. He had had enough.

"What is it?" He snapped, glaring up at them. Instantly, the twins' smiles broadened…if that was even possible.

"What do you mean, sir?" One of them asked.

"We were just trying to be nice." The other one explained.

"Are you done with our potion?" The first asked.

"Yes, you may go." Snape replied coldly.


	14. Have you done something with your hair?

**Have you done something with your hair?**

Severus was enjoying a nice, peaceful study session by himself next to the great lake, when his book was covered by someone else's shadow. Looking up, he found Remus Lupin standing there.

"Hello, Severus!" Remus said cheerily, "Mind if I sit here?" Snape shook his head, and the boy sat down, bringing out a charms textbook. Snape returned to his own studies. About ten minutes later, he looked up again to see Remus staring speculatively at his head.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I was just wondering… have you done something with your hair?" Snape responded in the negative, and they both continued to read.

After about half an hour of this, the two were interrupted by Peter Pettigrew who had come to get Remus' help with his transfiguration essay. After Remus had finished explaining that there was, in fact, a rather large difference between turning a teapot into a rat, and a fire poker into a mouse, Peter stood up to leave. As he did so, he paused and asked Severus,

"Have you done something with your hair?" Severus denied it, so Peter left.

An hour later, lunchtime came, so Remus and Severus walked to the Great Hall. On the way, Remus spotted Sirius and Peter, and went over to walk with them instead, leaving Severus to walk alone. As Severus approached the large doors leading into the hall, he spotted James leaning against the wall by the entrance. As he passed, James called out,

"Hey, Snivellus! You done something with your hair?" Severus ignored him, and went to sit at the Slytherin table, opposite Regulus Black, who was several years below him, but shared his interest in potions and the dark arts. They had nearly finished lunch when Regulus groaned loudly.

"What's the mat-" Severus began to ask, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he saw Regulus' older brother, Sirius. "What do you want?" he snapped at Sirius, who merely grinned at him.

"Have you done something with your hair?" Sirius asked him.

**I know, I know… Severus letting Remus sit next to him. The only explanation I can offer is that he's the only one it would work with. Lily either wouldn't have joined in, or wouldn't have wanted to sit anywhere near Snape… depending when I set this.**


	15. Advise him on his hair

15 Advise him on his hair

_Finally, some peace and quiet_. Severus thought to himself, settling into his chair in the library. The first year Slytherins had been rather rowdy in the Common Room, and his dorm room was not much better. Sadly, however, his peace and quiet was shortly interrupted.

"Psst! Severus!" hissed someone to his left. Severus turned his head to see… Peter Pettigrew.

"What do _you_ want?" he whispered back angrily, one eye on the librarian.

"I was just going to say… James and Sirius probably wouldn't bother you so much if your hair was more… normal." Peter explained.

"Yes, I'm aware of that. Thank you." Severus replied coolly, and turned back to the parchment in front of him, picking up his quill.

"Then… why don't you take all that tar out?"

The quill in Severus' hand broke in half with an audible _snap._


	16. You dropped your pocket

16 You dropped your pocket

There was a loud thumping noise, followed by Mrs Black's portrait shrieking _"Filthy scum! Blood traito-"_ before she was cut off. Thus, the twins entered no. 12 Grimmauld Place's kitchen. Severus Snape didn't even glance up; such things were routine in this house. The twins, in return, only gave Snape a cursory glance before sitting opposite each other further down the table. They ate in relative quiet and stood up to leave. As they passed Snape they said simultaneously,

"You dropped your pocket." Snape glanced automatically down, before mentally cursing himself for falling for it, and returning to his toast.

* * *

"Pig! Pigwidgeon!" the youngest Weasley was calling to a small owl flapping happily around the ceiling as Snape stepped out of the living room fireplace. As he did so, she smiled sunnily at him, glanced down at his feet and remarked casually;

"Oh, you've dropped your pocket." And returned to her attempts to catch the enthusiastic owl. The casual tone of voice tricked Snape into glancing down yet again. _Curse these Weasleys!_ He thought angrily to himself.

* * *

"Snape."

"Black." Severus strode past the ex-Marauder, but a suppressed chuckle from that man made him stop. "Is something the matter, Black?"

"The matter? No, not really…" came the casual response. "Only… you dropped your pocket."

Yet again, Snape found himself involuntarily glancing down. He ground his teeth together.


	17. Goodbye, 4th wall

17 Goodbye, 4th wall

"Sir?"

Snape looked up to see one of those infernal Weasley twins, with their hand in the air. He sighed to himself.

"What." He asked coldly.

"Fred and I were just wondering… who do you think JK Rowling based you on?" Snape paused and mentally re-ran that question, to see if it made more sense the next time around. It didn't.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Weasley. I would recommend sitting further away from your cauldron; the fumes have clearly addled what little brains you originally possessed." At this, both of the Weasley twins smiled broadly.

"Well sir, allow us to explain." One began.

"You see, we are all the fictitious imaginings of a woman – JK Rowling." The second continued.

"She's writing a series of books about Harry – that's Harry Potter –"the first took over again.

"- and we were wondering who she based you on. Any thoughts, sir?" Snape looked from one to the other, and groaned inwardly. It was going to be one of _those_ days, was it?


	18. Superglue

"Oi, Snivellus!" James called. The slimy-haired boy turned slowly, a scowl on his face.

"What."

"Superglue."

"What?"

"Superglue, Snivellus. It doesn't belong in your hair."


	19. Superglue part II

**Superglue part II**

His back was turned to the classroom as he wrote on the blackboard, so he did not notice the small bottle sail through the air towards his head. He didn't notice as it floated above him, the lid slowly unscrewing. He didn't notice the lid float back down into a ginger-haired boy's pocket. He certainly did, however, notice when the bottle upended, and poured its contents all over his head. He stopped talking, and turned to face the class, the viscous liquid dripping slowly down the sides of his head. He reached up, and pulled the bottle from the air above his head, turning it right-side-up and bringing it down to eye level.

"Bear-strength superglue." He read aloud, then raised his eyes to glare at the room full of students. "Who did this?"

All turned to look at the Weasley twins.

"You. Weasleys. Come here." They looked at him innocently.

""Who, sir? Us, sir?""


	20. Blame it on your twin

**Blame it on your twin**

"_Bear-strength superglue." He read aloud, then raised his eyes to glare at the room full of students. "Who did this?"_

_All turned to look at the Weasley twins._

"_You. Weasleys. Come here." They looked at him innocently._

""_Who, sir? Us, sir?""_

The two shrugged, got to their feet, and walked over to him, all at exactly the same time and pace.

"What did you want sir?" the one on the left asked.

"You know what I want." He sneered at them. They looked at each other, then back at him.

"I'm sorry sir,"

"But you'll have to"

"Explain, because we"

"Have no idea"

"What you are talking about." They told him, taking it in turns to speak.

"The two of you conspired to pour this" here he held up the bottle, "over my head."

"That's not true sir!" the one on the right protested. "I had no idea he was going to do that!"

"Oh sure, blame _me_." The one on the left complained. "It was your idea in the first place!"

"What? No it wasn't! You're the one who always has the ideas!"

"I am not! It's you more often than me!" They argued, until Snape had had enough.

"Stop that. You clearly both are to blame, so that will be 50 points from Gryffindor. Each."

""Whatever you think is best, sir."" They said together, then walked back to their shared desk.

Glaring at them, Snape lifted his wand to his head and muttered "_scourgify"_. The glue instantly disappeared, but his hair remained as greasy as ever.


	21. Claim to be your twin

**Claim that you are your twin**

Snape _hated_ taking the register with this class.

"Weasley, Fred."

""Yes, sir."" There was a pause, then

"What? You're not Fred! I'm Fred!"

"Well then what does that make me?"

"You're George!"

"Good, I wouldn't want to be Fred anyway."

"Actually no, you are Fred, I'm George."

"Hey, no, I'm George!"

"Well, I'm not Fred, so I must be George, making you Fred."

"But I _can't_ be Fred!"

"Why not?"

"Fred's dead."

There was a pause.

"No I'm not!"

"Aha, so you admit you're Fred?"

"…Yeah, I suppose." They both turned to him and said,

""Fred's here, sir!""

Every. Single. Lesson.


	22. Yes, we have no bananas

**Yes, we have no bananas**

"Weasley, where would I find wolfsbane?"

"Yes, we have no bananas." A twin replied in such a serious tone, that it took Snape a moment to realise what he had just said was, in fact, complete nonsense.

"No, Weasley, that is wrong. Ten points from Gryffindor for cheek."

"Yes, we have no bananas." He agreed. Snape repressed an urge to roll his eyes.

"There seems to be a problem with your potion, Weasley. Do you know what it is?"

"Yes, we have no bananas."

"Ten points from Gryffindor, for sheer stupidity."


	23. Would you like fries with that?

"Weasleys, bring me a sample of your potion." Snape's nasal tone interrupted the twins, who had been debating something with Lee Jordan in urgent whispers. One looked up and said cheerily,

"Would you like fries with that, sir?"

"…What?"

"Fries. Would you like fries with the potion?"

"Just… bring me a sample of your potion."


	24. House of horrors

"Hey, Severus! Got a minute?" Fooled by the use of his true name, Severus turned to see none other than James Potter and Sirius Black. _Fantastic._ He turned again to leave, but the two had already caught up with him, linked arms with the poor Slytherin, and dragged him off, ignoring his protests.

Remus Lupin glanced up from the parchment on his lap as they approached, tapped it quickly with his wand and stowed it in his pocket. "Ah, fantastic, you brought our witch." He said, getting to his feet. Severus frowned.

"Your _what?_" He demanded. Remus smiled.

"Oh, not that I think you are a girl! It's just that Halloween is coming up, and we were thinking of making a House of Horror… we were hoping you would do us the honour of being our Muggle-style witch? We would have asked one of the girls, but with your hair and nose… well, you're perfect. So, what do you say?"

"No. No way." Severus immediately replied. Remus sighed disappointedly.

"Oh well… just throw him in the lake will you, Prongs? Pads?"

"Sure thing Moony!" And, ignoring the greasy-haired boy's protests, they marched him down to the lake, and threw him neatly in.


	25. Decorate his classroom

Snape was late for a lesson. This was a rare opportunity, and not one that the Weasley twins were willing to let go by. After… subduing the Slytherins, they set to work, causing much amusement among their fellow Gryffindors.

Five minutes later, the last decorations were ready, and the twins had just sat down when Snape strode in through the door. His eyes scanned the room. And he froze.

"Who. Did. This." He said from between clenched teeth. Fred and George stood, and bowed low.

"That would be us, sir." They said in unison.

"Come." Snape replied and, turning on his heel, strode back out of the classroom. Fred and George shrugged at each other and followed, exiting the dungeon classroom, with its fetching new red and gold décor.


	26. And the Slytherin common room

"Professor! Professor!" the whiny cries of Draco Malfoy roused Snape from what had been a pleasant, untroubled sleep. He sighed.

"What is it, Malfoy?" he enquired, clad in black dressing gown and slippers, and green pajamas.

"The Common Room, sir! Someone has _done _something to it! It's…." while speaking, Malfoy had led him the short way to the Slytherin Dungeon, quickly uttered the password, and stepped aside to let Snape enter. He need waste no more words. The entire room was glowing with a pleasant, golden light, and everything in it – and I mean EVERYTHING – was a bright Gryffindor red.


	27. Charm his robes

**Charm his robes**

It was very skilfully done. A brush past him on the way out of potions, and the spell was in place. At first, it only looked as though there was a red smear on the back of Severus Snape's robe.

Throughout the day, this red stain slowly spread, until it reached the width of an arm, at which point it turned gold. And continued to spread. By dinnertime, Severus' back was covered in red and gold stripes. As of yet, he was oblivious. Sadly, this state was not to last, as during dinner the stripes came down over his shoulders.

It was the sudden golden glitter that caught his eye. He glanced around, thinking it was something across the hall to his right. It was then that, at long last, the stripes ceased their slow creeping over his robes. Instead, they zoomed. In a matter of seconds, the once black fabric was entirely red and gold.

At the Gryffindor table, a young werewolf was congratulated for a job well done by his three best friends.


	28. Roar at him

**Roar at him**

"Here he comes – Peter, shush!" the whisper came from what appeared to be empty space… although if one looked closely, there was the bottom slice of four pairs of shoes on the ground where the voice had come from.

Severus Snape had not looked closely. Nor had he heard the second whisper of _sonorus._ Therefore, he was completely unprepared for the loud "lion" roar that echoed around the apparently empty corridor. With a yelp, he scurried off. And it was a good thing that he did, for the four boys hidden under one's invisibility cloak could no longer hold in their laughter – notably the two black-haired ones.


	29. Sir! Sir!

"**Sir! Sir!"**

The class was proceeding peacefully… until one of the Weasley twins raised their hand. Professor Snape decided to ignore it.

A few moments later, the other twin put up their hand. Snape ignored this, too.

After that, the first twin put up his second hand. Which was also ignored.

Finally, the pair's last hand was up in the air.

There were five minutes left until the end of class. Surely they couldn't cause too much havoc in five short minutes?

"Weasley." Snape acknowledged them at last.

"Sir!"

"…Weasley."

"Sir! Sir!"

"What is it, Weasley?"

"Sir!"

"What do you want!"

"Nothing, sir."


	30. You and me both, buddy

**You and me both, buddy**

"Heyy, Severus!" a cheery voice rang out from behind Snape. He turned to see two copper-haired loons. Said loons came up to him, far too close to be comfortable, and slapped him hard on the back. Snape, for once, was too shocked to speak.

""You and me both, buddy, you and me both.""

What? The Weasley twins can read this/hear me? Oh dear…

They paused and looked him up and down, then together they took a large step backwards.

"Actually…" one began, "it's just you." The other finished. And then, before Snape could formulate a response, they ran off, laughing.


	31. As only a true poet would say

**As only a true poet would say**

"Today you will be attempting to create an elixir to induce euphoria. Instructions are on the blackboard."

"As only a true poet would say."

"What was that, Mr Weasley?" the sallow-skinned potions master asked, in mild confusion and large disinterest.

"As only a true poet would say." Was the immediate response, which Snape ignored. He turned back to the blackboard.

"If your potion is correctly made, it should be yellow in colour."

"As only a true poet would say." Snape's voice raised slightly.

"Although this is the most effective euphoric elixir, it has side effects such as excessive nose-tweaking and singing!"

"As only a true poet would say."

"_You have one hour!_"

"As only a true poet would say."

"_STOP SAYING THAT!_"

"…As only a true poet would say."


	32. Giggle at the word 'potion'

**Giggle at the word 'potion'**

"The potion-" A giggle erupted from the back of the classroom.

"The potion you-" again, a giggle. A frown flickered briefly across Snape's face.

"The potion you will-" again, and again! Someone at the back of the classroom was giggling, and did every time he began his sentence!

"Has one of you fallen prey to a cheering charm, perhaps?" Snape asked coldly, dark eyes scanning the classroom. Silence. "So it is just stupidity that keeps you giggling, then?" again, more silence. Mentally pleased at his victory, Snape began once again.

"Today, you will be creating a potion to-" giggles. Snape ground his teeth.


	33. Changing expressions

**Changing expressions**

The Idiots, as he had dubbed them, were staring at him. Severus could see them over Regulus' shoulder as they sat at the Gryffindor table. Their expressions were… unusual. Potter was beaming from ear to ear, Lupin looked decidedly miserable, Black was scowling in anger (which, if Severus was honest, was actually a bit frightening) and Pettigrew looked absurdly excited. Severus rolled his eyes, and returned to his porridge.

Glancing up again a moment later, he saw they had swapped. Potter was now scowling, Lupin beaming, Black excited, and Pettigrew miserable. Severus was slightly bemused.

"Regulus… your brother is being a dolt again." He muttered. Regulus turned to look… and they had changed again. Potter scowling, Lupin excited, Black beaming, and Pettigrew miserable.

Idiots.


	34. Love potion

**Love potions**

"Hey, what did Snape say this was, again?" a voice called out from the Gryffindor side of the classroom. Snape looked up just in time to see a bright-haired idiot down a vial of his potion. Quickly getting to his feet, Snape strode over.

"You imbecile, what if you had prepared it wrong? It could have killed you!" Snape glared at the idiot in question. The idiot who, for some reason, was staring at Snape as if… oh no… they had, Snape suddenly recalled, been preparing a love draft.

The idiot was staring at him with an adoring expression… which flickered… and split into a wide grin. Snape, however, was far too relieved to be annoyed.


	35. Sir! What? What?

"**Sir!" "What?" "What?"**

"Sir, sir, sir!"

"What is it, Weasley?"

"…What do you mean, sir?"


	36. Perm him

**Perm him**

A good stupefy, and a trip to the ever-useful room of requirement, and Snape's hair was ready… even if they had had to use levitation spells instead of touching the greasy black strands. Finally, the still-unconscious Slytherin teen was deposited in their potions classroom, ready to be found later.

* * *

Severus awoke, to find himself in the dimly-lit but comfortably familiar potions classroom.

At least, it would have been comforting if he had known why on earth he was there. It was a Saturday, so it's not like he could have just fallen asleep in class or something. That and even the idea of Severus Snape falling asleep in a class (History of Magic doesn't count) was ludicrous. So, there was clearly some other reason he was here. Severus thought back to before he had awoken. He recalled leaving the Great Hall after lunch with Nott, then Nott had gone to the library while he… he had been going back to the Slytherin common room, when all of a sudden he had fallen down. So why was he here?

Rather bemused, Severus got up to leave. On his way out of the room, however, he caught his reflection in a brightly polished cauldron, situated on the wall. He did a double-take, then stared in mild horror at the dark-eyed boy staring back at him, pale face surrounded by large, wavy hair.


	37. Make him lose the game

**Make him lose the game**

"Hey, I wonder what this tastes like!" a cheerful voice called out. Snape looked up in time to see one of the Weasley twins chugging down some of his potion. As soon as he had finished he gagged, clutching his throat.

"Professor!" his lookalike called out desperately. Snape strode over and pulled the gagging boy to his feet.

"Let's get you to madam Pomfrey, stupid boy." He told the twin.

"Wait-" the boy choked out.

"What is it?"

"I just… lost the game." He replied, then fell back dramatically.


	38. Sneeze

"**Sneeze" on him**

"Sir, sir! My potion is blue!" Snape turned to look and, sure enough, it was a bright blue. He walked over, and leant over their cauldron.

"Well, it comes to no surprise to me that the two of you are completely incompetent, as usua-" but he was interrupted as the red-head gave a loud sneeze. Conveniently, although Snape wasn't to know, this covered up his brother's muttered _'aguamenti'_. Fred never did get the hang of non-verbal spells. Anyway, back to Snape.

The red-head with the bright blue potion gave a loud sneeze, and the front of Snape's robes were suddenly slightly damp.

"Oh, I am _so sorry_, sir!"


	39. Look! Me too!

**Look! Me too!**

"Hey, look!" a bare arm was waved in front of Severus' face, sleeve pushed up around the elbow. On the forearm was a crudely drawn Dark Mark.

"Me too!" Sirius Black said cheerfully.


	40. Jelly baby?

**Jelly baby?**

**A/N – contains Dr Who reference. If you don't know the fourth Doctor (Tom Baker), you won't get this.**

_What in Merlin's name is Lupin wearing?_ Severus thought, puzzled. The werewolf in question was standing on the platform of nine-and-three-quarters with two people Severus assumed were his parents. He was dressed in a long brown coat, and an even longer stripy scarf, which was wrapped several times around his neck.

As Severus started at him in puzzlement, he glanced over his shoulder, spotting the Slytherin. After turning briefly to his parents again, he came over to Severus, reaching into his pocket as he did so.

_Surely he isn't going to attack me here? In front of all these parents?_ Severus thought, but before he could get his wand up to defend himself, Lupin had taken his hand out of the pocket of his coat. He was not holding a wand, but rather, a small, white paper bag.

"Jelly baby?" he asked, casually offering the contents to Severus.


	41. Notes in his shower

**Leave notes in his shower**

It had been very tricky, waiting until he knew Snivellus was away from home (cozying up to his Death Eater buddies, is more like it), and there was no-one from the Order hanging around at Grimmauld Place. But finally, on a depressingly damp Tuesday, Sirius' chance had come. Grabbing some flu powder from the box on the mantelpiece, he threw it into the flames and stepped in, calling out Snivellus' home address.

Once there, he quickly set to work, first finding Snivellus' shower (the thing looked barely used) then taking out what the Weasley twins had told him was called a 'permy-mint maker', and set to work, utterly vandalising the place. First of all, a nice '_MARAUDERS FOREVER!'_ across the ceiling…


	42. Notes part II

**Notes part two**

It had been several days since Sirius'… _decoration_ of Snape's shower, and he had yet to comment on it, thus bringing about the second part of Sirius' plan.

"Eugh, what's that _smell_?" he protested, holding his nose and making a face. Snape had just stepped out of the fireplace. Fred and George, catching on quickly, joined in.

"Merlin's beard that's-"

"-_Disgusting!_ Urgh, I think I'm going to-"

"-Pass out!" They said in that uncanny way of theirs, finishing each others' sentences even with hands covering their noses and brows screwed up in faux disgust.

"Oh, Severus!" Sirius said as he saw the man arrive. "How can you bear that awful stench?"

"I have no idea what you are referring to, Black." He said coldly, striding through the kitchen in search of someone slightly more mature.


	43. Dungeon Master

**Dungeon Master**

**A/N: Dungeon Master is a position of authority in the role-playing dice game Dungeons and Dragons. Heh… not that I know about that, of course…**

"Sir! Professor Snape sir!" Oh joy. Snape would recognise that annoyingly cheerful tone anywhere. Just what he needed on a cold Monday morning – the Weasley twins. Snape tried speeding up his walk, hoping to leave them behind, but it was to no avail.

"Sir, we were wondering…"

"…would you be interested in being our dungeon master?" Snape frowned.

"Your what?" _Damn!_ He cursed mentally. They'd gotten him to reply. Now they'd never leave.

"Our dungeon master, sir."

"_You_ know, for dungeons and dragons?" Snape froze.

"What was that about a dragon?" He demanded, turning to face them. Identical faces split into identical grins at getting such a good reaction from him.

"Oh, not a _real_ dragon, sir."

"It's a muggle game." They explained, grins still plastered to their faces. Snape sneered at them.

"Then I have no interest in your babblings." He turned to leave, but a hand on his arm stopped him in his tracks. They _dare_ lay hands on him?

"But sir…"

"We'd like to dungeon _your_ master!" They waggled their eyebrows suggestively. _Idiots._


	44. Yes? No

**Yes? No.**

"Bottoms up!" the cheery call came, not from the Great Hall as one would expect, but rather from the Gryffindor side of the potions classroom. To be specific, the back bench of the Gryffindor side of the potions classroom. Or, if you like, the lips of a Mr George Weasley.

Mr George Weasley had just swallowed the last few drops of a potion. Again, more specifically, the draught of living death. The most deadly potion known. He gagged, one hand going to his throat. The other went not to the twin on one side nor the friend on the other, both of whom were looking desperately at him, but to Severus Snape. Snape, already on his way over, closed the distance between them quickly.

"You realise there is nothing I can do, Mr Weasley? There is, after all, no cure for stupidity." The Professor sneered.

"Y…yes, I know. I need… to tell you something."

"Yes?"

"No." the boy slumped, eyes closed. A moment later, his body began to shake. With laughter.


	45. Compare him to Alan Rickman

**Compare him to Alan Rickman**

"Oi, Snivellus!" the blood traitor called. "Alan Rickman is better looking than you!" Leaving Severus to wonder,

…_Who is Alan Rickman?_


	46. Under the weather

**Under the weather**

"_Mobilinube_" The spell was rudimentary at best, but Remus was more than pleased with its success, as a small cloud detached itself from the overcast sky, and moved down to hang comically over Severus Snape's head. A sharp jabbing motion with his wand, and it started to empty itself on him, a replenishing charm making sure it never quite ran out.

"Why, Severus!" Remus called, tucking his wand away. "You look under the weather!"

**_Mobilinube - move cloud_**


	47. I surrender!

**I surrender!**

"Alright class, wands out and books away. We're having a practical lesson today." The tiny professor told them. Severus sighed and reluctantly placed his charms book back in his bag, drawing his wand from an inside pocket. There was a clatter as a wand was dropped in front of him. Severus looked up, to see James Potter.

"I surrender! Whatever you do, don't make my hair like yours!"


	48. Love notes

**Love notes**

_Odd…_ Snape mused to himself. _That certainly wasn't there before._

'That' was a folded sheet of pink paper, sitting squarely on the centre of his desk. He had left his office briefly to deal with a disturbance – damn that poltergeist – and returned to find… this.

Cautiously, Snape prodded the paper with his wand. Nothing happened. He prodded it again. Again, nothing. Just to be safe, Snape prodded it a third time. Still, nothing happened. Satisfied with these stringent security measures, Snape tucked his wand away and picked the paper up. He sat down at the desk and opened the paper to find… this.

_Most dearest Severus,_

_I am writing this to tell you that I can no longer hide my true feelings. I am in love with you! I will love you forever – mere death cannot separate us! I know in my heart that you feel the same way as I – we are united in body, mind and soul, are we not? You bear my mark, dearest Severus, and I bear yours._

_I am yours in love forever,_

_You-know-who_


	49. Spittle

**Spittle**

Snape loomed over the second-year twins ominously, eyes narrowed in a fierce glare.

"What do you think you are doing?" He asked coldly. This technique had been tried and tested (and perfected) over his years at Hogwarts – the two should be terrified. But, oddly enough, it didn't seem to be working. Neither of them seemed in the least bit frightened. Instead, the one to Snape's left put his hand up to his face, and rubbed it.

"We're not doing anything, sir!" the other said cheerfully. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"You expect me to believe that two Gryffindor second-years are wandering around inside on a day like this, and they are not up to something?"

The one on the left rubbed his face again. It couldn't be… he wasn't trying to imply Snape had spat at him, surely?


	50. Minus points are a GOOD thing

**Minus points are a GOOD thing**

"Weasley, ten points from Gryffindor for sheer stupidity." Snape sneered. He was _not_ expecting the grin that followed this, however.

"Yes! Minus thirty-six!" His twin smiled smugly.

"What about me, sir?" Snape glared.

"Ten points from you also, Mr Weasley."

"Forty-two!"

Why were they so happy? Didn't they understand? Minus house points were a _bad_ thing. They were what made teaching these idiots bearable. If he couldn't enjoy the look on their faces when he gave them minuses… what could he do? What else could possibly compensate for teaching the thrice-cursed Weasley twins?

Unknowingly, Fred and George had discovered the very best way to annoy Severus Snape.

**And thus concludes this fic! It's been a looong journey, thanks to all of you who stuck through it with me, and especially those of you who dropped me a line or so. (Psst, the button's just down there! Presss iiit… leeeave a reviewww…)**


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